I remember comparing myself to the other boys as we all started going through puberty. I think we all did that. The other boys’ voices deepened, their balls descended and grew larger, their penises got bigger and they started to grow hair on their body. I started this process, the same as any other, but something was terribly wrong. My penis grew, my testicles descended but didn’t grow noticeably, my voice deepened somewhat. I started the process of puberty but never finished it. I knew something was terribly wrong. I looked in the mirror and saw more of my mother looking back at me than my father. My hips were round and curvy, my testicles were small, and I knew I was different. Doctors told me that I was a late bloomer or that my body was just naturally that way.
I was a freak among men. I knew my body was different but I didn’t know why. I would look in the mirror and felt so much shame at what I saw: my lack of muscle development, despite 15 years of weightlifting, my round hips and small testicles. I felt shame at my appearance but it didn’t end there. I felt miserable because I was sick so much of the time. I didn’t know why. When I would get a cold, it would last two months instead of two weeks. I would get sick at the drop of a hat. In a year, I might have three to four months where I wasn’t sick. Finally, I didn’t seem to have the same libido as my friends. In fact, I could go months without feeling sexual in the slightest way. I was fatigued, depressed, sick and ashamed. This is how it always was. For 31 years of my life, this was my existence.
I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what. Over the years, I would summon the courage to ask my Doctors about it. They would tell me that I was a “late bloomer” or that this is just the way I am and I should learn to accept it. I tried to accept it but I simply couldn’t!
Nine years ago, I started to do my own research on the internet and after some time, I finally found the answer staring me in the face. I came across a website that described the symptoms of having Klinefelter’s Syndrome. I think I had almost every single symptom on that list! I went straight to my Doctor and asked him to run the first round of tests. My Doctor was resistant. He asked me questions about why I thought I had Klinefelter’s Syndrome. He said things like, “maybe this is the way your body wants to be.” I was insistent. He finally agreed to run the first round of tests which were to test my LH (Luteinizing Hormone) and FSH (Follicle-Stimulating Hormone) levels. The tests came back and those levels were abnormally high indicating that my body was not producing the Testosterone it needed. The next step was to go see an Endocrinologist where a Karyotype test could be ordered. The results came back and I was right! I had Klinefelter’s Syndrome, which means that I have one extra X chromosome. I was and am 47XXY.
I was excited that I was right and the puzzle pieces started to fit together. This explained so many things. But I also felt a great sense of loss because I knew why I had so much pain and misery in my life. I kept taking one step in front of the other. The first step and the biggest step was to find out what level of Testosterone was right for my body.
My Endocrinologist, at the time, gave me a prescription for Testosterone in the form of a transdermal gel. My world began to change. I started to grow stronger and my fatigue lessened. I would only get sick maybe twice a year for two weeks at a time instead of four times a year for two months at a time. A big difference! My libido started to increase. Most importantly, I began to be more assertive in my life. Up until that point, I would let people walk all over me and just take it. I was starting to stand up for myself. I was slowly waking up to the world and to myself.
Unfortunately, at that time, my Endocrinologist would only keep me on low levels of Testosterone. So while I started the process of my transformation, his own bias against anyone who was not 46XY got in the way of my treatment. I will never forget his words, “You’re lucky you’re getting any Testosterone at all!” It was a slap in the face.
With the beginnings of my new self confidence, I sought out a different Endocrinologist who had at least one other patient who was 47XXY. My new Endo (Endocrinologist, for short), was much more compassionate and understood the ramifications of Testosterone on the body. The gel wasn’t getting my Testosterone levels to where they should have been for my age so we started the trial and error process of using some other applications including the patch and the buccal pill. Finally I said to him, “Screw it! Let’s do the injections.”
Finally my body got closer to the Testosterone range associated with my age and my body continued its transformation process. My health greatly improved and my body was equipped to fight off viruses and infections much more easily. My fight with depression went from being suicidal to manageable. My secondary male characteristics started to show i.e. my voice began to deepen more, I grew body hair, and my muscles started to grow. I was becoming the man I always wanted to be.
It’s been eight years since I started Testosterone. My life has changed exponentially. I have become my own best healthcare advocate, I’ve learned as much as I can in what’s best for my body, I’ve become more assertive in my life and I have grown physically, mentally, and emotionally. I feel empowered and I can, at last, cast off the shroud of illness and despair. I have arrived! I can finally be who I was meant to be.
